I ordered the urn just as I promised. It still took a ton of deliberating. In the end I realized that there is no perfect container for your remains because the only perfect container for you was you. But this will have to do, won't it? I decided on one that is made of wood and would hold a photo. Which there are several of to choose from. To be honest, the nicest wood/photo ones are for pets. And while I entertained that notion for a moment because I only have a small portion of your ashes, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. All I would need is for someone to see it and say "Oh, that's the same urn I have the ashes of my dog, Mr. Bootsie Fluffykins in!" Not appropriate in the slightest.
I am going to make myself choose the photo I want to put it in it before it arrives. Because that could turn into another procrastination/avoidance festival and I really am going to hold with my promise.
But this still sucks and this is still so fucking hard to imagine. I just have to keep pretending the ashes are a representation of you and not the remains of you. The latter is basically just too hard to accept.
I love you,