Friday, April 23, 2010

Dear Dad,

When it rains it pours, right? I write about memory and then it seems like everything today is reminding me of you. Stupid shit, too. Why can't I just go see a silly action/comedy about real people trying to be super heroes without it having a father die in it? Why does my friend have to call her father right after the movie to let him know about a pending job interview? Why does every fucking thing seem to be about fathers some days??

Oh, and don't even get me started on movies in general. I've always loved watching movies for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is the brief escape from the stress and mundanity of the world around me. But now I often get this weird sinking feeling when I "return" to my regular life from the fantasy vacation of a movie. It's like my brain re-realizes that I'm back in the world you're not in. In a fantasy world you never existed, so I have nothing to lose. But here in the real world it suddenly feels like all loss all of the time. And sometimes it makes me feel a little bit crazy, to tell you the truth. Or, at the very least, really out of sync with everyone around me. I hate how much my moods can volley these days. It reminds me of when I was a teenager and I was so prone to depression. It's like a tidal wave of shadows just crashes over me and everything feels so dark and hopeless. I just wish I could train myself to see it coming so I have time to put on my goggles and nose plugs.

The other day I was reminded of the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and I found myself wondering if I would ever erase anything from my life because it was too painful. And I found myself, just for a moment, wishing I could erase my memories of you. Thinking of how much easier it would be if I never knew you existed so I would never have to miss you like I miss you now. And then I felt horrible immediately - like I had actually visited the man who could make such a thing happened and asked for the procedure. But I didn't. And I wouldn't. Or at least I want to hope that I'm the kind of person who would be strong enough to say no if such a thing were ever offered.


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